Monday, July 18, 2011

The Talk

I get questions about friends with benefits all the time.  They range from questions about how to find one to how to keep emotions in check.  I will probably do a series of posts about fwb, but today's blog is about "the talk".  I personally feel that "the talk" is vital to having a successful fwb relationship.  Communication is key and it allows me to say what I want to say and for him to express his feelings too.  And at the end, I know 100% if I want to be fwb with this guy or not.

All my current fwb have gone thru "the talk" with me.  What is "the talk" you ask?  Before there's ever a kiss or clothes coming off, I lay everything out there and tell my potential fwb what I expect from our relationship.  I guess you could call it my bottom line. "Demands", so to speak.

I start by saying that what I'm looking for is a strictly friends with benefits relationship. We can just be friends in the bedroom or we can hang out and do platonic things like dinner or catch a movie sometimes too.  That choice is up to him.  I stress that I am NOT looking for a boyfriend nor a relationship and that our fwb situation will NEVER turn into anything more.  If he can agree to that, I go onto my next point.

Second, condoms are non-negotiable.  They must be worn during intercourse.  As stated in my previous blog, I stock condoms at my house and I expect him to have condoms at his.  We should never assume that the other has a condom.  Again, communication is key.

Third, our lives outside of the bedroom are not required to be shared.  I tell the guy that if he is going out on dates or sleeping with other girls, he can choose whether to share that with me.  And vice versa.  However, if either one of us enters into a serious relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend), that must be disclosed.  It's the
respectful thing to do.

Fourth, NO DRAMA!  I do not tolerate drama in any form.  This is zero tolerance.

After I say what I have to say, I let him express himself and say how he feels about my "demands".  I also let him tell me any of his "demands".  If it's a guy that I wasn't friends with before, then I use "the talk" to gauge our communication skills.  I like to see if he's open and willing to talk to me or if he seems like the type of guy who will just nod and act like everything is ok.  The whole point is to make sure everything is out on the table from the beginning so that there's no confusion as to what we are. 

I highly suggest "the talk" for anyone considering a fwb relationship.  When I was new to fwb, I didn't have this talk and it led to a lot of drama and hurt feelings.  I found that having this discussion in the beginning helped put both me and the guy at ease.  A lot of guys want a fwb thing, but are afraid of the girl getting attached.  When I have "the talk" with the guy, it helps him know where I'm coming from and that we both want the same thing:  Hot, no strings attached SEX!  I hope this helps anyone thinking about doing fwb.  And as always, feel free to email me or comment with any questions!  Happy Monday everyone!


  1. I've had a few FWB and each one has been a slightly different mess, I guess a talk would have been a good idea and it is really good advice!

    It's never me however that gets's ALWAYS the guys and frankly I got fed up of men crying, silly little pussys, so I gave up on FWB unless they were complete and utter assholes (aka they had girlfriends or some shit...not my best idea), luckily I'm over it all now and have learnt ways of dealing with men and their feelings

  2. I agree! I've never entered a fwb situation hoping that we would eventually date and be in a relationship. But for some reason, guys I've hooked up with have this notion. It might have something to do with liking younger guys, but still. I always thought that a young 21 year old would love to have no strings sex with a women. But I had a few go crazy and fall in love and I came up with the idea of "the talk". I can't say I've eliminated all the crazies, but I like having it all out there now!

  3. I think some men say FWB, but are really looking for a relationship or let themselves get attached after sex. It's normal, but the guy needs to be open and taught, even if it's the hard way. Nice post again! Been a busy month for me, catching up on your blog. :)

  4. I do think some people can't separate sex and emotions. Those people shouldn't have fwb relationships. And thank you for reading my blog amongst your busy schedule. I appreciate it!

  5. Some men are emotional. I am, but I've learned that's the way that I am and sharing those emotions in bed is wonderful! :)

  6. Emotional is ok, but probably not the best for a fwb relationship. I think it's setting yourself up to be hurt.


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